So what’s my handle after 13,879 days on planet earth?
I’m not a gambler. I prefer to watch others lose money as mine stays safely tucked away in an IRA.
I haven’t a drink problem. I love a Super Tuscan, chilly sake and sunset martini hour, but I don’t drink myself into oblivion.
I don’t use drugs. Because it’s an utter waste of time.
I’m love biking, hiking, going to the gym and Barry’s Boot Camp. I love a good sweat and when a beautifully fit gay man yells at me to run faster on the treadmill!
I’m tattoo free. My skin is lovely in its original form and I’m not going to f**k it up with some dumb ass dolphin tattooed on my ankle or a butterfly on my lower back. When I ‘m an old lady, I’ll have beautiful, milky white buttery soft skin fabulousness!
Only my ears are pierced. No need to elaborate on this because really, why would I want my tongue or nether region pierced? That’s just nasty.
I am a shopper. But I am also a good returner. Sometimes I could be considered a bulimic shopper but I like pretty!
I’m happily child free. Enough said.
I don’t own a house. But I do have two lovely rentals on each coast. One day I’ll own but for now I’m content being unencumbered.
I’m divorced. Yet remain optimistic I will one day be in a long-term relationship.
My baggage fits under the seat in front of me and in the overhead bin. I’m not bogged down with emotion strife and drama - I am pro drama-free.
I’m a traveler at heart. You might say I am addicted to traveling and you can’t have a narrow mind when you have a thick passport.
Yep, that’s boring thirty-eight year old me.
Or as friend once said, your not thirty-eight, your DIRTY EIGHT- live it up baby!
I will - copy that!
Let this blog be the reason for the diversion of your attention from the company you are presently in.
I’m sure that line at Starbucks is long and you want to look important so divert your attention to your iphone just in case anyone tries to make idle chit chat about the weather. I bet that lunch meeting is boring you shitless so here I am to make it look like you’re checking important emails. I’m confident you might be texting with your dinner companion since eye contact and human connection is so arduous and I bet in between texts with you and seven others, they’re also checking in on Facebook while Twittering since your date embodies the term inattention, as do you, as do I - so here I am, just for you, you and you.
Smile. I’m for your eyes only.
Oh la la!
No, I’m not that kinda web site. Simmer down sassy!
My blog and blather is just as mind-numbing as your FB News Feed so instead of being a repeat offender to the same web site as 500 million others, go on and be exclusive and waste your time here with me and my wonky words. I’ve very little to educate you with but be sure I’ll babble on long enough to make you believe it was worthy of at least 42 seconds of your time.
Fun Fact! The sentence “the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter in the English language.
Now, if you are as quirky as I, you’ll read the alphabet quietly to yourself as you visually confirm every letter in the sentence - surely others will perceive you as mentally engaged and this will account for another 34 seconds of dull fluff.
Why the hell are you here anyway? What, nothing good on eHarmony tonight?
Well, then to make being here worth your while just so you know, turtles can breathe through their bums.
I wasn’t the clever one to come up with “Jalopy New Year!”
I have my iPhone predictive text feature to thank for that clever quip!
At first, I laughed my ass off because it’s simply a funny unexpected use of words and I repeatedly sent the same message without realizing this is what was going out into the universe to my family and friends. I had a brief moment of concern because I thought I had put out negativity into the first minutes of the New Year because by definition “jalopy” is an old & unreliable car. Vehicle 2010 was exactly that for most of my friends and family, 2010 was unreliable and the unstable ground left us mostly tired and feeling older. But it was my wake-up call and I can’t speak for others but for me, I am thankful for all that 2010 taught me and I endured. It was a year to make you think, be creative and persist. 2010 started out by kicking my ass but in the end, I kicked its ass and won and ended the year in probably the best mental space I’ve been in, in years.
Sorry, I divagate, back to my Jalopy.
Upon further excavation of the word jalopy, besides meaning old unreliable car, it also refers to heap and then to further define heap and it encompasses a collection of items laid upon each other; also bestow in large quantities and most importantly fill to overflow. And that’s exactly what I hope for everyone, that 2011 will become the accumulation of the best of everything - health, happiness, mental growth, love, wealth and feelings of grandeur and absolute contentment.
Now go out into 2011, kick ass and make yourself proud!
Heapy New Year my Ducky Dearies!