Lost in Thought.....

Everybody is somebody’s secret. Of course, we admit it only amongst ourselves.

Secret lives, secret wishes and secret lovers. Flirty email exchanges, enticing instant messaging, old flames that never extinguished and planned happily ever after stories that never take shape. We get lost in the illusion that because it has yet to happen – it still could because anything is possible, right?

It seems as if the “that girl” has been someone’s secret, since her divorce. Involved with someone but no one else is to ever know. Whether it by work circumstance to keep the gossip non-existent or those she’s been involved with had a secret “other life” at home – hiding it from yours truly. Choosing to hide me from what they have at home. You know, sometimes secrets aren’t so secret after all.

Allow me to state for the record, I don’t like to be hidden. I like to be out loud, I don’t hide very well. I can go under the radar but I am seldom overlooked. Not easy to pass by for whatever reason. When I explore a city, I’m usually on my own. I have no troubles dining by myself or going to the movies alone. Actions like those simply make me stand out even more.

The only place in the world I’ve blended in and gone unnoticed is LA, because unless you’re famous or dressed to inspire your own fame – no one looks. No one cares and quite frankly, it’s one reason I love LA. You don’t know me, I don’t know you – I am just another blonde standing in line at Urth Café on Melrose.

Oops, I digressed.

I hate secrets, unless you plan to share them with me. I hate secrets especially if I’m it. How can anyone live for the moment if we have to keep it secret and hidden from another? I embrace and cherish that lover’s exchange where you share something and it’s yours and you guard it under lock and key for life. But if your secret is a lie to someone else – well then, its not a secret, it’s just shit.

Live for now, not tomorrow. Live for the moment not for how we hope it might be in the future. Keep hope alive but don’t lose sight of who is by your side this very moment. Embrace them; don’t hide them. When you hide another, you will find yourself hiding as well.

Now tell me, who’s secret are you?

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Flash back.... Lost in Thought..... On the Road

Here I stand, on stage, concealed within the quick change to assist our wardrobe mistress with the Boys change of sweaty clothes and I am fighting back my tears. As the four guys run into the quick change, clothes go flying and the orchestra starts the prelude to “Amazing Grace.” Each of them dis-robe and is redressed in under 3 minutes. As we straighten ties, smooth down the Armani coats and dab their foreheads with tissues – they take their mics and return to the stage for the encore.

I help gather the clothes scattered about, place them all in a bin and head off the stage to take everything back to the wardrobe room.

“Was blind, but now I see.”

These words resonate throughout the 15,000 seat arena and then the bagpipes start. I can hold back the tears no longer. The pain I feel for the loss of an incredibly dear friend, I can’t contain the pain – it must come out.

March 6 the terrible news came – my dear friend Brian aka “Dick” passed away from a sudden heart attack. Out of the blue – he was gone. Having only exchanged texts back and forth the other night, I can’t believe I won’t hear his voice again. I can’t deny I’ve lost someone so near and dear to my heart. The loss is irreplaceable. Reconnecting with friends who were also close to him has eased the pain and all of us deny he’s gone.

Dick was always happy, upbeat and for him anything was possible. If he was ever down, he stayed positive. His voice would always make you feel better. You could hear the smile in his voice and I couldn’t help but smile back. He is such an amazing person to have in your life. Great Father, amazing friend. I am so very grateful to have him in my life. He made a difference and will continue to do so.

Brian, you are loved by so many. You will forever live in our hearts and always bring about the best of memories. You’ve given so much that it will continue to give us strength when we are weak in thought by your absence.

“And grace will lead me home.”

Love you Dick



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On the Road

When you add to your life, what do you subtract for the new acquisition? Is the addition truly greater than what you take a way? Then, are you left in balance?

I add to my “miles traveled.” Adding another city to the places I’ve been while adding to the resume of rock stars & divas I’ve been blessed to work with. I add more friends to face book. I join more networking sites to feel more connected. I add to my personal “to do” list while the “artiste du jour” adds to their very long to do list, which becomes my list, hence the reason I was hired. But what I continue to subtract, by career driven default, are my personal goals, time with my family and being too busy in the quest for love & friendship.

Current status of my personal “to do” list: About 3 years on hold.

Current status of Artiste “to do” list: Accomplished!

In building the life we want, it’s about making choices you can sustain, adding the things that really count and subtracting the things that don’t. Some times the lines blur, making it hard to see clearly when you’re in over your head with commitments.

If you give constantly to your career, paid to take care of others while occasionally indulging yourself with personal aspirations – is what you get in return comparable? Does the input outweigh the output?

(Career) X< >Y (Life & Love)

The Not Equal Operator formula above shows to evaluate the expression and return TRUE if x is not equal to y and FALSE if x is equal to y.

So is this to say balance is not possible? I say, Rubbish!

Or is balance an illusion we seek it out to prove possible?

If balance is an illusion, I’ll keep tripping until I find it.

Stay tuned!

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