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Feb272008

On the Road

Exactly where does one get “a life?”
Can it be found on Craig’s List? Ebay? Eharmony? Amazon?
Please, can someone shed some light on the subject?

Does advancing forward in life constitute actually having one? My lifestyle moves much more quickly than what I consider real life, which I constantly forget to have, so I always feel like I’m slacking. And of course, this leads to chronic bitching about not having the illusive life everyone else appears to have.

Family & friends back home think we lead some sort of a grandiose life, it’s a life they think they want but in reality, one day in touring shoes and they’d go running to the airport. Then start reeling at the thought of a 19 hour flight from London to Sydney via Singapore to simply commute to work. My postcards, these silly diary entries and tour stories make our world more accesible to those who seldomly leave their postal codes. Yet, I think I want their life. Simple, structured and predictible – a place where doing my own laundry is relaxing. Grocery shopping and playing domestic goddess sounds like Wow! Amazing… Sign me up!

Before ever having stepped foot on a tour bus, touring never never-land was this small, inaccessible world; appearing beyond reach. But now it’s common place and I live there. An un-jaded state of mind is now the new never-land.

Living in a constant state of suspended reality is quite exhausting and I do not consider it having a life. Bearing in mind, this is being written in a field, at a vineyard, outside of Cape Town, S. Africa – after midnight… exactly where everyone thinks I’m having “a life.” And since I’m seldom seen without my blankie (computer) and rarely unplug from this bloody adult pacifier (internet), I suppose I should unplug and go in search of the proverbial “life”… and you too! Stop reading! Shut the computer off and go have a life!

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Feb192008

On the Road

The complex challenge to starting a new tour is to quickly learn the idiosyncrasies of the crew & band. Everyone has their own interpretation of comical, sarcastic banter versus being bitter and down right mean. Bitter bastards are inherently sarcastic and you know it every time they speak at you, their tone screams, “you half-wit!”

I, on the other hand, like to think I’ve a sarcastic wit that evokes camaraderie and lifts spirits all in the name fun. But misinterpretation and efforts are, at times, lost when the “new person” tries to integrate into a camp that has been together for a long time; making it difficult to NOT feel like the fish out of water all of the time.

Even when sarcasm is not the subtext in what you say, chosen words, the tone of your voice along with a mild translational challenges when working with people of other nationalities & mother tongues; somehow leave this silly blonde American tongue-tied.

No one likes to be the outsider, even worse is to feel like one all the time. You’d like to discover a way to migrate into the new family so you don’t feel like a million miles away from your real family. Like the feeling of the instant oatmeal family; simply add hot water & stir. Pre-mixed and ready for you. But once you meet the porridge family, one might find it difficult to blend and too thick to swallow; it’s a land where you have to boil the shit for very long time, monitor its progress and if you aren’t careful – you’ll burn the porridge and yourself.

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Feb42008

Lost in Thought.....

The words “want” and “need” evoke different feelings with respect to situation and circumstance.In personal matters, we all want to make more money. Some of us need to make more money in order to keep Visa happy and fund our Starbucks habit. All of us want to win the lottery. Some of us want a new gig, as we no longer need to put up with the bullshit from our current employer. Some of us are unemployed and need to find a gig, regardless of whether we want to or not.

But in relationships, those two words take on a whole other life form. I have found myself in a relationship where saying the word “need” implied commitment and obligation. Despite being married to that person, need evoked negativity. Post divorce, I found myself in a relationship where expressing want was very desirable but the end result was that he felt I didn’t need him so the relationship ended.

As a single woman, I am lost and oh so confused. I want and need many things. But now I must express myself in clever, inventive ways. Go to dictionary.com you’ll discover that want means need and need means want. So, pending on delivery and context of your words – both need and want can imply & evoke both negative and positive emotions. Of course it’s dependent upon the receiver of your words. Too many variables and you’re sure to fail if you open your mouth. What do you want? What do you need? Such obvious questions to ask someone we care about, yet seldom do we ask. Maybe we’re afraid to commit the time to care because it’s easier to ask, “How are you?” because standard expected response is “fine.” Simple, non-committal, aloof and lassitude. Well for me, I don’t want or need that.

I don’t want to appear needy but I don’t just want to be wanted. Contorted corkscrew of confusion; to be expected in the affairs of love.

I want to be needed and need to feel wanted. Just not too much……..

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